Dangerously Undercaffeinated

NBA Trade Deadline Spotlight: Cleveland

2010-02-17T21:02:00.003-06:00

The Cavs just made a deal to get Antawn Jamison for a bad draft pick, a scrub and the slowest James Bond villain in the NBA.

Cleveland was already the favorite to take home an NBA title this season, and now they've added an all-star power forward who can shoot, rebound and play decent defense.
And, somehow, there are people upset about this deal. According to someone at Yahoo Sports (I'm extremely busy, I don't have time to switch tabs and look at his name), this is a bad idea because they didn't get Amar'e Stoudamire.
To that, I say "FUCK YOU, RETARD!"
Stoudamire is an amazingly athletic big man. And the only thing he does better than Jamison is dunk. He doesn't rebound nearly as well as a hyper-athletic 6'10" forward should, he's not much of a shot-blocker, and he can't guard me, and I'm an out of shape 6'2" 30 year old guy who wasn't good when I did play ball regularly a decade ago. Also, Stoudamire's got a reputation for being a bit of an immature, self-centered prick. Doesn't seem like a great wingman for the King.
Jamison, on the other hand, has quietly been a stabilizing force on a dysfunctional (and terrible) team with one of the league's truly batshit-insane players for the past few years, while showing no signs of decline and no signs of dip-shittery.

The result: Cavs win a title. Lebron stays in Cleveland.
The reaction: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!! The "Derrick Rose turns into a Superstar" era in Chicago is going to be largely remembered for the Bulls ramming into a brick wall in Cleveland in the playoffs for the next decade. Unless they can get smart in the summer and dump some scrubs (Hinrich, Miller, everyone other than Rose) to pick up Chris Bosh and a shooter (Joe Johnson would be fantastic, Mike Miller would be good). But, since they've continued to ignore my offers to work as a consultant to the general manager's office, those things probably won't happen and instead the Bulls will remain a team just good enough to make the playoffs and lose to a team with legitimate title hopes. Stupid Bulls.

Dangerously Undercaffeinated Movie Review: Notorious

2010-02-10T00:06:00.005-06:00

This is exactly what the title suggests.

I watched the movie Notorious, and now I'm going to discuss it a bit. (yes, It's a movie that's a year old, but I just watched it for the first time. And I'm in charge here, damn it!)

First, a couple preliminary notes:
I've been a huge fan of rap for 20 years. From Run DMC to NWA to Tribe Called Quest to 2Pac to Biggie to Outkast to Jay-Z to Wu-Tang and everything in between. I love a lot of music, but overall it skews to about 60% hip-hop, 35% rock, 5% anything else....

If you aren't a fan of B.I.G., or at least a fan of hip-hop, you probably won't like, or watch, this movie.

So, on to thoughts on the movie.

First, it was horribly slow moving in a "Lord of the Rings as a movie about a hip-hop icon" kind of way. If I knew nothing of the characters involved and I stumbled upon the movie, I'd be bored. It was just barely interesting, and it moves along at a dead turtle's pace and convinces anyone that doesn't care about the story to flip the channel about 15 minutes in.

Second, this script had to be either written or approved by Bad Boy Records (i don't feel like doing any research to confirm this). Puffy comes off as a visionary leader, Biggie as a heroic symbol of hope whose flaws are quickly glossed over, Tupac as an emotional nut who overreacted to a coincidence. If this wasn't written under a pen name for Sean Combs, he was financing and amending it along the way.

Third, this was the easier movie to make. In the East Coast-West Coast rap war (which had to elicit at least a couple movies at some point), Biggie's story is easier to tell than Tupac's. The "Poor Kid From Brooklyn Who Makes It" story is easy to fit into 2 hours. The "Poor Kid Whose Parents Were Black Panthers and Who Overcame an Insane Revolutionary Family to Become a Transcendent Rapper and Outstanding Actor Prior to Being Murdered in the Streets of Vegas" story takes a little longer, and is much more difficult to translate to film. Also, FUCK SUGE KNIGHT. (not really relevant, but it needs to be said. often.)

Ultimately, it was a relatively dull, disappointing movie based on a story that should have been much more interesting. The main characters were treated too gently, the horrific misogyny was treated as an endearing character trait, the Tupac connection and relationship was oversimplified and idiotic, and Angela Bassett being involved makes Biggie's mom way more sexy than she should ever be, which is just disturbing.
If you're an irrational fan of Notorious B.I.G., or you're Puffy, you'll watch this movie and love it. If not, you either won't watch it at all, or you'll watch it and be horribly disappointed by how much you simply don't care at all.

Final Grade: C. That might seem like a passable grade to some, but that's because you're stupid. I got C's in the classes I skipped to get high. I would definitely recommend the soundtrack, though.

Democracy is Fun...

2010-01-27T22:17:00.004-06:00

Sarah Palin mentioning "fact checkers" while criticizing the President is a sadly funny thing.

Other State of the Union thoughts:

1. He was right to give the Supreme Court a very cordial "Fuck You" for overturning some of the limitations on corporate contributions to political campaigns. This in no way threatens the separation of power in the government. To suggest it does is equivalent to suggesting that every time a congressman criticizes the President (every single day) it threatens the power of the presidency. Sorry, fuck off. He's not infringing on their power, he's voicing his opinion that they missed on this one.

2. The governor of Virginia's campaign speech was dull. It wasn't a response to the State of the Union speech, it was a vague, uninteresting introduction to a guy who will likely be running for the republican nomination in 2012. I would have preferred someone with something interesting to say or any actual ideas that were in opposition to the President.

3. I want someone to blast Hannity in the face with a sledge hammer. I dislike the far left tv people as well (though Olberman's irrational hostility amuses me, mostly because I still appreciate him from his ESPN days), but I just can't ignore my desire for him to suffer severe physical harm. I dislike the fat asshole (Rush) and the bald asshole (O'Reilly), too, but they're more cartoonish and difficult to take seriously. They don't ever STOP being unlikable pricks, so it's never entirely irritating. Hannity, on the other hand, has very rare moments when he seems like a rational, compassionate person...and then the other 92% of the time he's an idiotic fuck who just makes random shit up, and I want to stab him through the eye.

4. The election of a senator in Massachusetts is NOT an indication of the feelings of the rest of the country. 2 reasons for that:
First, Massachusetts hasn't been dominated by democrats for 50 years, it's been dominated by Kennedy's for 50 years. There's a difference.
Second, Massachusetts voters are idiots. Thousands (at least) of assholes voted solely on the basis that the democratic candidate accused Curt Schilling (who publicly endorsed Scott Brown) of being a Yankees fan. Yeah, the drunken assholes at Red Sox games who inexplicably associate the song Sweet Caroline with baseball were likely largely responsible for electing a senator because of their irrational love of one of their world series heroes.

5. Seriously, Sarah Palin? The entire basis of her presence on the national political scene is "women are stupid." I really hope that's not true, and I'd really like to see her eliminated from the conversation long before the next election.

Go Democracy!

You Win This Round, Comcast...

2010-01-27T18:01:00.000-06:00

My missing channels have returned!

Since I'm nothing if not fair and reasonable, I must acknowledge that Comcast quickly acknowledged and fixed my previous calmly-worded complaint.

They didn't provide an explanation, but the problem's been fixed, so I can get over it.

So, thanks, Comcast, for showing that you're willing to fix your fuck-ups in a timely manner, as long as I complain about it with a profanity-laced rant on a blog that is read by as many as 12 people. (how's that for a back-handed compliment?)

You get an A for customer service this week.

Comcast Sucks Ass at Everything Except Sucking Ass

2010-01-20T22:20:00.004-06:00

For some reason that is being kept a secret from me, Comcast appears to have removed at least 30 channels from my cable package sometime in the past 3 days.

Some of the channels the cocksucking whores stole from me: ESPN News, the Independent Film Channel, MLB Network, NFL Network, National Geographic, the Biography Channel, the Science Channel... Seriously? They took the goddamn SCIENCE channel away from me? What the fuck kind of worthless piece of shit just randomly eliminates my option to learn about string theory and the birth of the fuckin' universe? FUCK YOU, COMCAST!

.....
.....

....
Okay, now that I'm calm and rational, it's time to evaluate this situation.
This is either an issue of incompetence (unintentional technical fuck-ups on their end), or extreme dickishness (they've decided to drastically cut my channel list without warning).
Sadly, these are the motivations/causes for nearly everything I deal with at work on a daily basis, so ....yeah.
Also, neither is an acceptable excuse for fucking up my ability to watch motherfucking Science.

Either it gets fixed, or Comcast can suck my asshole while I call DirecTV.

By the way, I don't have any complaints about Comcast's highspeed internet at the moment.

4 Things You Need to Pay Attention to This Season in the NBA

2009-11-16T23:43:00.005-06:00

It's been a LOOOOOOONNNNNGGGG time since I've written anything. There are many reasons for that. Among them: apathy, stress at work, writing other places, apathy...
But, with the NBA season underway, and the NBA being my favorite of all seasons, it's time to throw out some thoughts. So, here are 4 NBA thoughts that you should pay attention to.
Why only 4? Because it's my damn site and y0u'll take what I give you and like it. (this will not be particularly funny. that may or may not be surprising to some of my reader(s))

1. R.O.Y. Brandon Jennings - the kid is good. Very good. And, after his Rookie of the Year season he's going to be an outstanding argument against the "go to college" plan for elite young players.
I'm in favor of education. However, "going to college" and "getting an education" are not the same thing. Elite young ball players (the "one and done" guys) are not going to college to get an education or to expand their minds. They're going to college because the NBA won't let them in yet. Pretending to be a student for a year is not at all beneficial to kids who have spent the past 10 years of their lives doing nothing but working toward getting into the league. If anything, it hurts them by forcing them to spend an extra season playing against inferior competition and being treated like a god on campus.
For some jobs, college is required. Doctor, lawyer, business executive... Joining the league of the 320 best basketball players on earth is not one of those jobs. I want to see Jennings succeed, and the first 3 weeks of the season suggest he's got a damn good chance of doing so. I'll expound upon this at a later date.

2. Shaq. RIP. He's done. He makes Zydrunas Illgauskas look quick. This is not an easy accomplishment. If the Lebron's win a title this year, it will be despite him. He's among the top centers in NBA history, but it's been at least 3 years since he was among the best in the league. He's lost his quickness, he's lost his drive...all he's got left is his ego. And that's not enough to be useful. The Cavaliers look best when he's on the bench, and that's not likely to change. It will be mildly amusing to see how he finds a way to blame Lebron for his worthlessness this season (much like he's done with Steve Nash, DWade and Kobe in years past).

3. The Oklahoma City Thunder. Kevin Durant, despite weighing only 83 pounds, is awesome. He's already among the top 10 players in the league. Here's the fun part: Russell Westbrook and Jeff Green aren't far from being among the top point guards and forwards, respectively, in the league. This is a fun team that a lot of people won't ever see. Whenever possible, watch them. They're a legitimate playoff threat this year, and a team that every basketball fan needs to watch.

4. Young Point Guards. Derrick Rose, Russell Westbrook, Brandon Jennings, Louis Williams.... there are an assload of hyper-talented PG's in their first or second seasons who might make the leap to Superstar status this season. As many hoop-o-philes will say, point guards make games (watchable). This will be evident in this season's group of 1's. Don't miss an opportunity to witness it.

Closing Thought: Watch the NBA! Despite the arguments of a huge number of ignorant assholes, there's absolutely nothing about the college game that is better than the League. College basketball is 80% awful, and 20% march madness and Duke v. UNC. Sorry, fuck off college ball. At it's best, it doesn't come close to Celtics-Lakers, Spurs-Mavs, or even Warriors-Clippers. You suck, college basketball, and you're angry that Brandon Jennings is proving it to the world.

Not angry, just confused...

2009-08-23T14:53:00.003-05:00

I got a raise last week.
It wasn't as much as I was hoping for, or as much as I deserve, but it was a decent bump in salary. I'm confused by this. My company has a longstanding tradition of completely ignoring the people who actually do stuff, and grossly overpaying the director and c-level people who do more harm than good.
I'm mildly concerned that this is a sign the company is completely bankrupt and not going to pay anyone, so they're making a few nice gestures on the way down.

eh...whatever. Fuck it. It's time to focus on fantasy football anyway.

Ninjas With Guitars

2009-07-05T13:09:00.006-05:00

I've got nothing interesting to say right now, so I'll just share a bit of awesome:

Time for Another "Screw This Place!" Night at the Bar...

2009-07-01T18:40:00.004-05:00

For the 2nd time in a month, my company has fired a bunch of people.
Most of them were at least adequate at their jobs, and none were acknowledged as being let go because of performance issues.

Instead, people are being cut because the retards in charge have their heads jammed so far up their asses they can see out their own mouths.

Hundreds of thousands (possibly much more) of dollars have been spent in the past year on a project that was supposed to revolutionize the way we do business. It was announced at trade shows and industry events as the next great idea in our industry.
Today I found out it's being shut down and the team of programmers that have been trying to build it have all been let go.

It has become common practice to publicly announce every good idea we have, then blow a shitload of money trying to figure out how to make it happen, then scrap the idea entirely and fire everyone who was involved with any aspect of it. (except the executive-level people who blindly dove into it, of course)
Figure out how to do something before launching a PR campaign and telling everyone how awesome it's going to be? Fuck that! That's how jerks operate a business. It's easier to just come up with a cool name and blindly flail away until it becomes absolutely necessary to cut away 30 or 40 salaries to stop the bleeding.

That's exceptional leadership. Good job, assholes.

OOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!

2009-06-30T18:40:00.010-05:00

Want to know why these are worth far more than their $40 price tag?

Because the result of not wearing them is this:

Inattention to laundry + 3 hard slides into 2B = OOOOOOWWWWW.
Spending 9 hours a day sitting in front of a computer sucks when sitting hurts.

I'll never neglect the laundry again. (okay, I probably will, but I'll make sure all parts of my baseball gear are clean when needed)

I've bled through my pants two days in a row this week. Luckily, I don't have a game this weekend, so I've got an extra week to let my seeping ass-wound heal.
Hooray!

Things that piss me off (this week)...

2009-06-24T22:27:00.004-05:00

1. People tinting their twitter pictures green or adding a lame-ass little ribbon to "show support for the people of Iran and their right to democratic elections."
Are you assholes under the impression that Iranians are scrolling through their twitter updates and thinking, "hey, there's a girl in Michigan that posts 64 idiotic, uninteresting updates a day, and her picture is green now. The 7 seconds she spent changing her picture in an effort to appear thoughtful, compassionate and interesting without actually having to DO anything is extremely inspiring. I'm going to go out today and protest the attempted election fraud and risk being severely beaten by police, because damn it, she's right!"?
I'm in favor of people being able to affect their own circumstances. I'm opposed to idiotic, useless and superficial "displays" of support.

2. The insane popularity of Jon & Kate + 8. This is a horrible show about a whiny, pathetic jerk-off who appears to have completely lost his will to live and ability to have human emotions, and an angry, condescending bitch who is starved for attention and seems to want nothing more than to be acknowledged and loved as a selfless martyr who sacrifices her life for her children (while constantly pointing out how she has to "save the world" every day). Also, there are some children who are indistinguishable and who the parents seem to hate and resent. The children are interchangeable and uninteresting, and the parents are unlikable assholes. Why the hell do people want to watch this crap? When TLC airs an episode in which both parents are run over by a bus and then mauled by a pride of lions, I'll tune in. Until then, I'm pretty sure it's just an incredibly elaborate psychological study being conducted by The Learning Channel.

3. Low & outside changeups. I can't stop myself from swinging at them, but I can't do anything other than pop them up to SS, either. Bastards...

An Unexpected Development...

2009-06-16T22:31:00.002-05:00

So, it turns out I have neighbors.

I suppose they've always been there, but it's been more theoretical than practical thus far. I see them outside cutting their grass, and I occasionally wave, but that's about it. They don't exist in any way that actually affects me.
But I was never terribly interested in talking to them or learning anything about their lives.
That changed on Saturday, when beer and beanbags seduced me into interacting with them.

I enjoy beer, and I love winning at virtually anything.
The point is, now I might have to be polite and try to be less of an offensive ass.

On a semi-related note, one of my neighbors may be a psychopath who buries bodies in his back yard.

We'll see how it goes. And if I find any human body parts...

Awful Things I Do Because I Love My Wife...

2009-05-13T01:20:00.001-05:00

The title should be self-explanatory. These are things that I probably wouldn't do if I didn't have a Mrs. Power who I love and appreciate. This may or may not become a regular subject, so I'll just include a few today.

1. Watch Awful Movies: Princess movies, horse movies, dead-husband-ghost movies, every conceivable retarded storyline for a "romantic" movie has been created, and I've see most of them. They're all incredibly idiotic and make no attempt at all to be believable or rational. I thank the good people at Heineken and Bombay for helping me through these trying times.

2. Put Laundry Away: Leaving all my clothes on top of the dresser seems like a much more effective way of seeing what's clean and available. I'm not sure why women hate efficiency so much, but I'm going to try to find out.

3. Pay Attention to Hair: For some reason, it's now necessary for me to notice and comment whenever ANYONE gets a haircut. My mom, her mom, her sister, a co-worker's wife...every time someone changes his/her hair in the slightest way, I have to notice and compliment it. uh....no. I don't really care. If it looks bad, I'll try not to make fun of it while you're in the room. That's the most I can promise.

Suck it, Contacts!

2009-05-11T23:01:00.005-05:00

It took a whole week, but I've finally mastered it.
I'm now capable of getting these tiny vision-correcting bitches in or out of my eyes in 90 seconds or less. (including "polishing" time)
I feel like I'm 12 and just conquered Super Mario Brothers for the first time again. It's awesome.

Sadly, my glasses-free vision sometimes results in being able to clearly see Medium. The fact that I have to be exposed to this retarded pile of crap of a TV show makes me understand spousal abuse. It's horrible and I certainly can't condone it, but I understand. If I was not the exceptional human being that I pretend to be, I would definitely want to slap Mrs. Power for making me watch this crap.

She should thank me more often.

Contacts suck...

2009-05-04T22:08:00.002-05:00

Around age 10 or 11, I had surgery to repair a detached retina. I've worn glasses since then.
At age 30, I've gotten contacts instead of glasses for the first time (there are reasons, but they're dull and I won't go into the details).

I've realized that my doctors weren't advising against contacts because they're pricks, as I previously believed, but because contacts suck.
I love that I can see without glasses for the first time in nearly 20 years, and that I can wear normal sunglasses and SEE at the same time. However, it turns out that the process of pulling tiny pieces of plastic out of my eyes makes me both homicidal AND suicidal. Rather than poke myself in the eye for 30 minutes trying to get this little piece of plastic out of it, I want my head to burst into a fiery atomic explosion, and I want it to take out the entire city (especially the eye dr.'s office).

Also, I may have a broken thumb. It's hard to say for sure. Are thumbs supposed to bend?

Along with the contacts, getting my thumb fixed is potentially beneficial for my season of baseball. The whole process of trying not to suck at baseball is becoming extremely inconvenient for me. This must be how the Nationals feel every day...

I'm still trying to put together a coherent synopsis of the Bulls and their playoff run. Please be patient. Or don't. I really don't care that much.

Not funny today, just rambling...

2009-04-23T22:18:00.004-05:00

It's been a while since I've written anything, and there are several reasons for that. First, I've been busy and preoccupied with some issues in my life that I didn't feel like discussing with my small audience. Additionally, I've been spending far too much time spouting random thoughts on twitter, which dulls my urge to vent. And, finally, I just haven't felt particularly inspired to rant about anything lately.

I'm going to try to fix that now because of today's date. Today is my 30th birthday.

I don't enjoy my birthday. The last time I had a birthday I was excited about was at 21, for obvious reasons. My disdain for birthdays (not birthdays in general, just mine. I don't mind celebrating other people's birthdays) is largely a result of my dissatisfaction with my life. Rather than a reason to celebrate or enjoy getting together with friends and family, my birthday always serves as a reminder that another year has gone by without any significant accomplishments or changes in my life. My career path has veered off into a roundabout that promises exciting possibilities, but results in endless circling with no progress. (look! Big Ben, Parliament!) Though there have been numerous doctor-assisted attempts, there are no little Power's expected anytime soon. Despite an intense interest and desire to get involved in local politics, I keep finding reasons not to do anything. I just feel lethargic and stagnant.

I'm going to try to fix that so that birthday #31 doesn't put me in a shitty mood again. Among other things, my 30th year will include a summer of playing baseball, more writing (I'm going to commit to posting something a couple times per week), mastery of the art of smoking (I love cooking, but my smoker is woefully underused) and convincing my employer that the millions of dollars my work has generated for him over the past 3 years easily justify a raise. And if he disagrees, it's time to finally move on. I'm getting far too old to continue to be someone's minimum wage bitch.

Sorry for the dull post. I'll have something more entertaining in the next few days about the Bulls, and possibly about my fantasy baseball addiction. Also, I'm preparing several lists of things. Stay tuned. (that's called "building suspense, bitches!")

I Love Tina Fey

2009-03-12T20:32:00.004-05:00

As you may be able to figure out from the title, I love Tina Fey.

She was brilliant enough to make SNL's Weekend Update funny despite Asshole Jimmy Fallon's (i'm starting a petition to make that his legal name) best efforts to make it unwatchable, then she gave it a wonderful sexy librarian double-team vibe with Amy Poehler. She's fantastic in almost every way. The only thing I don't like about her is that she's not at my house right now.

I don't really have a story or a hostile rant to segue into here, I'm just watching 30 Rock and felt the need to share my love for Tina Fey with the world. (by "the world," I obviously mean the 6 people who read my blog).

That's all for now. If we're lucky, the weekend will provide fodder for an angry, profanity-filled rant about something.

Reality TV Sucks...

2009-03-10T23:42:00.002-05:00

I HATE reality TV.
Among the things that irritate me most, The Biggest Loser
It's a show about fat people crying and trying not to be fat.
I have no issues about people trying to lose weight, but there's nothing entertaining about that.

It makes my brain hurt so much that I'm not even capable of producing a profanity-filled rant about how retarded the show is. It just sucks.

That's all.

Drugs...And Some Drug-Related Thoughts

2009-02-10T22:20:00.006-06:00

So... A-Rod took steroids. Anybody surprised? Anybody care? No, me neither.
However, I have an urge to line up every one of the jerk-offs at ESPN, Sports Illustrated, Yahoo Sports and all the other sports writers/broadcasters who claim to be shocked by this and that baseball is horribly tarnished by this...and I want to punch every damn one of them in their retarded faces.
These are the same assholes who have spent the past 5 years pointing out that the previous 15-20 years of baseball were the "Steroid Era" and that it was impossible to know for sure who did or didn't take something. Well, guess what, assholes - there were people who took steroids during the Steroid Era. That's how it got the name. The only lasting effect is that a few more people think A-Rod is a douchebag. I'm not too concerned.

On a slightly related note, Michael Phelps likes weed. Anybody surprised? Anybody care? No, I didn't think so. I do have one issue with it, though. Michael Phelps makes poor decisions. No, not the decision to indulge in a few bong rips, but the decision to hang out with a prick who would take pictures of it and sell them to a tabloid. Hey, Mike, stop hanging out with assholes. It's going to hurt your career.

Also, this is another pretty significant blow to the anti-drug ads that keep trying to scare kids into thinking weed is going to ruin their lives and lead directly to a life as a homeless heroin addict, jerking off transvestites on the subway to make enough money for the next high. Who are the people making headlines for smoking a bowl lately? A 14 time Olympic gold medalist (Phelps - he won 6 in '04, 8 in '08), a Super Bowl MVP (Santonio Holmes), a 2 time NBA All-Star (Carmelo Anthony - last year), the likely runner-up for NBA rookie of the year (OJ Mayo - Derrick Rose will win it), the 2001 Portland Trailblazers, and...uh...who were the other ones? Oh, right, the current President of the United States, as well as the 2 Presidents before him who admitted to smoking in their younger days.... Not a great list of "ruined lives."

Before my political career gets going, I'm going to have to work out a logical, honest drug policy that doesn't resort to irrational fear-mongering and blatant lies. If I can figure out how to get my secret service detail (when I'm running for president) to be completely made up of g-string-clad strippers, that can be a useful campaign item, too.

Tequila...the Breakfast of Champions

2009-02-06T21:54:00.004-06:00

This is something new and entirely whorish.
As you may be able to tell from the title of this blog, I enjoy and require coffee. On occasion, I also enjoy an alcoholic beverage (sometimes 20 of them).

So I'm beginning a new category that will require minimal effort on my part and potentially result in someone sending me free drinks, so everyone wins. (by "everyone," i mean me)

It's called "What I'm Drinking..."
It is exactly as simple as it sounds.

At this very second, I'm drinking Calende Tequila on the rocks with a lime.
If you're thinking "what? you're sipping straight tequila? what the hell is wrong with you?" that's a good sign that your tequila experiences have been limited to Cuervo gold and his cheaper friends. Stop that. Good tequila, just like good gin, rum, scotch or anything else, can be quite pleasant on its own.

Calende Tequila gets today's DangerouslyUndercaffeinated seal of approval (actual seal not yet available).

The Office is Even Better Than I Thought...

2009-02-06T18:33:00.003-06:00

And Michael Scott's hatred of HR (Toby) is completely justified.

A recent company policy intended to make my office appear more professional has resulted in a co-worker being written up for having a messy desk. In this case, "messy" means he left two notebooks and a coffee cup on his desk when he left for the day.
Another new policy made it necessary to check in with the secretary whenever entering the executive suite. My office is split over 2 floors, with the executive offices and accounting department on one floor and everyone else on another; there are vending machines in the kitchens on both floors, and they often have different things in them. Because the memo outlining this new policy made it clear that this was to be strictly enforced, this lead to several co-workers having to check in with the secretary before being allowed to get a Milky Way.

These are the most recent reminders I've had that Human Resources is really the best possible career field for anyone who wants to earn a good living and attain a position of power without actually learning how to DO anything. You don't have to learn a useful skill - e.g. accounting, programming, graphic design, refrigerator maintenance, animal husbandry, etc. - you just have to be willing to maintain an obnoxious & false friendly demeanor and try not to think about the fact that your only purpose is to find other people who actually do possess valuable skills and abilities.
Bad at math? Can't write? Not sure how to turn on your computer? Too lazy to be a laborer? No problem! You've got a bright career ahead of you as an HR manager!

Since I don't feel right about posting something 100% profanity-free: fuck, fuck, shit-eating whore, ass-sucking retarded bitch. fuck.

Max Power, the Ultimate Male...er...Mariner...

2009-01-27T13:30:00.001-06:00

I just want to let my faithful reader(s?) know I’m resuming my journey toward being a highly paid professional athlete.
I’ve decided to accept an invitation to join a 28-and-over men’s baseball league.
Undoubtedly, this will lead to me signing a 5 year, $37 million deal with the Seattle Mariners within the next year. Despite firing the worst GM in baseball last season (Bill Bavasi), I’m confident the institutional incompetence is so severe that they can still be convinced a 29 year old infielder (or outfielder, or pitcher) who is slow, out of shape and has poor vision is the key to their return to contender status. Also, my amateur experience is limited to being the captain of my co-ed office softball team the past two years, and I haven’t played baseball in almost 15 years.
Still, after looking at the Mariners’ lineup, I think I’ve got a legitimate chance to be their starting first baseman next season.

Texas & Christians...Once Again Leading the Charge Toward Mediocrity & Idiocy

2009-01-26T20:48:00.007-06:00

I have to write another sports related post now. This one’s not about the Bulls, or even particularly focused on sports. A sporting event is just the setting for my thoughts, much like Jerry Maguire is really a chick movie with professional sports as a background.

I need to discuss the mind-numbingly stupid phenomenon of “everybody is special” education that has become more and more prevalent over the past couple decades, specifically as it was recently applied to girls’ high school basketball in Texas.

The full articles are available here and here, but the general story is this:
A girls high school basketball team won a game 100-0, then officials from the winning team publicly apologized for the “embarrassing margin of victory,” and proclaimed that they would try to have the win stricken from their record and replaced with a win by forfeit. Then, when the coach told people he wasn’t embarrassed by the blowout and that he thought his girls played honorably and with respect for their opponents, he was fired.

What the fuck is going on here? The school is embarrassed by utterly overwhelming an opponent? You know who should be embarrassed? The team that couldn’t manage a single fucking basket in 32 minutes. That’s the coach who should be fired. Sure, there are some relevant details - there are 8 girls on the team, and only 20 in the whole school; many of them have learning disabilities; etc. - but somebody decided to intentionally schedule them against real teams, so they should have expected a few severe beatings.

There is an argument that high school sports are taken too seriously and that there’s value in simply being involved in sports, regardless of the outcome, and that there’s an implied responsibility to not embarrass another team. There’s some validity to that. However, there’s also an argument that the point of competition is to try to win, that giving your best effort is the best way to honor your opponent and that getting the shit beat out of you once in a while can be a motivating factor in wanting and trying to get better. When the hell did it become standard policy to feel sorry for everyone who sucks? Why do the exceptional have to stop trying so other people don’t feel bad?
Here’s an idea: if you don’t want to be humiliated by losing 100-0, maybe you should practice once in a while. Maybe play some defense.
Also, how is it more honorable and “christ-like” to tell another team “we’re just going to consider you a forfeit because you suck so much” instead of allowing the result to stand for itself? That seems a hell of a lot more condescending than telling them, “well, you got your asses kicked. See ya next time.”

The Covenant School is effectively teaching a dozen high school girls that they should be embarrassed by being better than other people at something. Good job, “christian” assholes, you’re helping to perpetuate the retarded idea that “just like everyone else” is the most acceptable possible option, and that “exceptional” and “elite” are shameful concepts that should be shunned and avoided. For that, the administration at The Covenant School in Dallas, Texas gets today’s DangerouslyUndercaffeinated FUCK YOU, RETARD!

2009-01-15T18:47:00.003-06:00

Now that the NBA regular season is at about the half way point, I need to share some thoughts about the Bulls, and maybe some tips for moving beyond their current status range of "mediocre" to "borderline playoff team"

First, the problems:
1. When the best player on your team is your rookie point guard, that's a problem. It should be expected that a #1 overall pick should turn into a franchise guy, but when he joins the team and it is immediately obvious that he's on a different level than everyone else on the team, that's a pretty good indication that the rest of the team is bad.
2. Role players who believe they are stars are rarely beneficial to good teams. I'm talking to You, Larry Hughes. Hughes is a fantastic athlete who seems to have good basketball instincts. But 90% of the time he's on the court, he seems like the asshole at the park who no one wants to play with because he brings the ball up the court and immediately jacks up a bad shot and no one else touches the ball for 6 or 7 consecutive possessions. That guy doesn't play for the Celtics or the Spurs or the Cavs, he shouldn't play for the Bulls, either.
3. Joakim Noah has no discernible basketball skills. He's big, relatively athletic and he always seems to be working as hard as he can, but he just doesn't have any basketball skills at all. His footwork in the post is bad, he can't dribble and he's got a horrifically ugly shot.
4. Luol Deng. There's just not a lot to say about him. He's not bad, but there's really nothing he does better than any other swing man in the league. He's not a 3 point threat like Stojakovich; he doesn't attack the basket like Richard Jefferson or Caron Butler; he doesn't provide the defense and rebounding of guys like Shawn Marion, Gerald Wallace, Jamario Moon or Tayshaun Prince; and he's certainly not even close to the all around brilliance of the top SF's like Paul Pierce, Carmelo Anthony, Kevin Durant & Danny Granger. (LeBron is excluded from the discussion because there's simply not another small forward that can compare). 2 years ago, Deng was pegged as a rising star that would anchor this team for the next 5-6 years, now I can't confidently say he's among the top 15 in the league at his position. So what is he? No better than average.

It's not all bad, though. There are a few things the Bulls have going for them:
1. Derrick Rose is going to be awesome. He's already very good, but he's going to be one the NBA's top tier point guards within 2-3 seasons. He's already as good as any point in the league at getting to the basket, and he's constantly developing as a playmaker and a guy who can make the players around him better. He can have the same effect on Tyrus Thomas and Drew Gooden that Chris Paul has had on David West and Tyson Chandler.
2. Ben Gordon. Yes, his game's a bit limited. He can't drive to his left and he can't guard anyone. But he's still an outstanding pure scorer, and is the kind of "instantly-hot" player that good teams need coming off the bench. Also, I really like my special edition St. Patrick's Day jersey (it's green! ) and i'll be a little pissed if the Bulls trade him and make it obsolete.
3. Drew Gooden. No, he's not a top tier power forward on the level of Tim Duncan or Amare Stoudamire, but he's above average and can be very good at times. He's not quite as quick, but his skill set is very similar to David West's, and we've seen West playing at an All-Star level with an elite PG running the offense. Gooden can be there soon, too.
4. Tyrus Thomas. He's still young, and still very raw, but there's something there. He's a high energy guy who can jump out of the gym. He can be a great rebounder and he's already a very good shot blocker. He needs to improve his shot and maintain his focus a bit better, but the ability, athleticism and overall potential reminds of Josh Smith. He just needs to get consistent playing time to develop.
5. There are a couple other guys who are useful, though certainly replaceable. Nocioni, Aaron Gray, Thabo Sefalosha - they have limited games, but they're good chemistry guys and the fans like them. They're replaceable, but probably a little more valuable to the Bulls than they'd be to another team.

So, how can they be fixed?
I'm glad you asked. I've got a few ideas.
First, before doing anything else, get Michael Jordan on the phone. It's been a few weeks since he made an awful decision for the Bobcats, he's probably itching to make another one right about now. Tell him he can have Noah & Deng for Gerald Wallace & Ray Felton, who he's looking to get rid of anyway. (it works on the ESPN Trade Machine with the Joe Smith trade exception).
If he doesn't immediately accept that trade, give him a gift card for the MGM Grand. That should do it.
After MJ agrees to show off his managerial incompetence once again, it's time to start on the second phase of the plan. Getting rid of Larry Hughes. He's already played for half the teams in the league, so it will be tough to find someone who wants him. Instead, just have him framed for murder. That will work out better for everyone.
After that, and this is the most important part, STOP DRAFTING SCRUBS. Two good draft picks in the past decade (Rose, Gordon) is awful.

So, now that I've layed out the plan, I'm just going to sit here and wait for John Paxson to read it and send me my consulting fee.

Baseball Writers of America...Pretentious, Self-Righteous Assholes...

2009-01-12T20:50:00.004-06:00

Rickey Henderson is officially a Hall of Famer today. There's not a single player, coach, broadcaster or fan who can legitimately dispute his worthiness of that honor.
He was a 10 time All-Star, a former MVP, ALCS MVP, Gold Glove outfielder and the all time MLB leader in stolen bases and runs scored.
He's universally acknowledged as the best lead-off man to ever play professional baseball.

And yet, there were 28 voters (i.e., the Baseball Writers Association of America) who left him off their ballots. Not one of those 28 can make a rational argument that he doesn't deserve to be in the Hall. Instead, many of them will argue that he's not worthy of the honor of being the first ever unanimous selection. Why? Because baseball Gods like Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, Hank Aaron, Willie Mays and every single other Hall of Famer got in with less than 100% approval.
Somehow these self-righteous assholes believe that because the previous generations of writers chose not to unanimously elect their childhood heroes, Rickey's certainly not worthy of holding that distinction today.
To that, I can only say "Fuck you, you egotistical, self-centered retards."
Any writer that claims that Rickey Henderson doesn't deserve to be in the Hall of Fame needs to be spiked in the face with a pick-axe. Don't think he's worthy of your vote? Please surrender your press credentials and get the fuck out of the press box because you're not qualified to write about the game, and you sure as fuck aren't qualified to determine who is worthy of baseball's greatest honors.

New Year's Resolutions...for Other People

2009-01-05T23:11:00.008-06:00

I'm not the type of person who makes New Year's resolutions. There are several reasons for that, but the most significant one is that I don't need an arbitrary date on the calendar to tell me when I should make decisions regarding my life.
However, since the Dangerously Undercaffeinated staff (which consists of me, the voices in my head and one of my cats) always enjoys hypocrisy, irony, sarcasm and mocking people, I'll be making some resolutions for other people today. Several of them will be sports-related. If you're not interested in sports, that's just too damn bad, because it's my damn site and you will read EVERY DAMN WORD I HAVE TO SAY! Or you can just go to a different site. It's your call.

For the Management and Fans of the Chicago Bears:
Stop Blaming the Quarterback! The entire team philosophy, and the front office strategy, for the past 50 years has been "we're going to win with defense and the running game, and anything resembling a passing game is merely a nice, but unnecessary, bonus." Well, here's a tip: when you make it perfectly clear that you expect next to nothing from your QB, you're not really allowed to be pissy about it when that's what you get. Want a passing game? Block for the QB and give him at least one good receiver to throw to. Also, when you lose because the defense, a.k.a. "the focal point of your winning strategy," can't stop anyone from scoring, you're not allowed to blame the QB. Brandon Lloyd sucks. Marty Booker sucks. Devin Hester is fast, and he might eventually be above average, but he currently sucks. Get a receiver or two that won't swat the ball to the ground whenever it gets near him, and then, maybe, there's a reasonable case against the QB when the team is free in January. Until that happens, shut the fuck up.

For the Programming Directors in Charge of Choosing Broadcast Teams for Major Sports:
Stop insisting that every announcing team needs to include a former player. This happens in all 3 major sports, but I'm most annoyed by the NBA this season. Apparently, it wasn't bad enough that I had to spend my time at college and living in Indianapolis listening to fans of Bitch-Ass Reggie Miller try to convince me he wasn't a bitch (sorry, your case was not convincing), but now I have to listen to that irritating fuck during half of the TNT broadcasts. Please, stop it. Barkley and Jet* are great on the halftime and pregame show, and C-Webb* and Glove* are fantastic on NBA TV, but the vast majority of player-turned-announcer attempts fail miserably. Please stop. Or, at the very least, load Bitch-Ass Reggie Miller and Partially-Retarded Bill Walton in a van and drive them into the Grand Canyon.

For the Executives at 42 Below:
Stop making Honey Vodka. It's horrible. Initially, it doesn't seem like a bad idea. But then you buy some when it's on sale for $7 and realize that there's a pretty damn good reason when $30 vodka is only $7, and that reason is that it's awful, nauseating crap that should be avoided at all costs.

For M. Night Shyamalan:
Stop making making movies that begin with an interesting premise and then turn mind-numbingly stupid. Just write the first 20-30 minutes of a movie, and then turn it over to someone who isn't a fucking retard. In case you haven't seen it, here's a brief synopsis of The Happening: nearly everyone in Central Park simultaneously stops moving, and some start walking backwards. Then they kill themselves. Mark Wahlberg is a science teacher who has awkward conversations with the chick from Elf and then they run away from the air. Miraculously, they are the only people they know who are smart enough to hide from air in an old, drafty house with a crazy old woman. Then the chick from Elf gets pregnant, which saves their bad marriage. And the movie ends with the whole shit starting over again in France.
Also, Lady in the Water sucked balls.

For My Wife:
What's with the Little House on the Prairie nightgown and all the damn clothes all the time? Cut that shit out. Nobody likes it.

For the Pope:
Just shut up. When you start spewing ridiculous homophobic shit that suggests that guys fucking other guys poses as great a threat to the world as the destruction of the rain forests, it's time to shut your damn mouth, old man. When you take a stance on priests fucking alter boys that isn't "let's just move the priest to a different town full of kids he hasn't tried to fuck yet," maybe your thoughts on anything other than large pointy hats will be relevant. Until then, go have a honey vodka and stop talking to people.

For Brett Favre:
Shut up and go away. You had a great career, and then you were the reason your team flopped in the playoffs, or didn't make the playoffs, for the last 5 years or so. Just leave now.

That's all for today.

*'Jet' = Kenny 'the Jet' Smith
*'C-Webb' = Chris Webber
*'Glove' = Gary 'the Glove' Payton

It Just Doesn't Make Any Damn Sense At All...

2008-12-09T22:03:00.005-06:00

How do maguais (or is it just maguai? like moose, where the singular and plural are both the same?) know what time zone they're in?
More specifically, how does the "mutate from a cute teddy-bear-like pet into a scaly, ill-tempered creature bent on destruction" gland know what time zone they're in? They're from China, so do they always operate on China time? China stretches across several time zones, so which China time do they use? If, for the sake of argument, we assume that the time issue has a logical solution, what time of the day is it safe to feed them again? They can't be fed after midnight or they turn into violent, ravenous little beasts. But, how long after midnight must they wait before they can eat again? Can they eat at breakfast time? Brunch? An early dinner? Every other aspect of the movie was completely reasonable, but the fact that their physiological make-up and physical appearance are so heavily influenced by the time of day does not make any damn sense. If I'm expected to accept the story as true, some further details are necessary. However, I've not yet uncovered an explanation with any legitimate basis in chemistry or biology. Because of that, I think I can say with complete confidence that Gremlins was NOT based on a true story. I'm going to have to do some more research, but I'm pretty sure science has my back on this one.

Look! A bunch of stuff in list form! Let's see what it says...

2008-11-12T18:14:00.007-06:00

I haven’t been particularly inspired to write anything lately.

So, in lieu of a coherent, rational rant about something specific that’s irritating me, here is a brief summary of 11 things and people, in no particular order, that have pissed me off in the past month.

CNN’s election coverage – what’s with the fucking hologram? Does Wolf Blitzer have such foul, unbearable body odor that other reporters are unwilling to even be in the same building with him? Do CNN’s producers just have a severe, crippling Princess Leia fetish that they just can’t suppress any longer?
Mike & Mike in the Morning – ESPN’s morning radio team. One is a slightly effeminate jerk-off who never stops whining, and the other is a former NFL defensive tackle whose sports knowledge is strictly limited to the NFL. They need to be permanently banned from discussing the NBA. And probably baseball, too.
The Republican party’s reaction to losing the election, specifically the “leaked” details about Sarah Palin and how she cost them the election. Hey, retards, she was grossly unqualified to be the Vice-President (and, more importantly, the President) when you picked her. She wasn’t going to magically become competent or appealing to non-hyper-conservatives in less than 3 months. Don’t blame the idiot when you lose with a strategy that intentionally relies heavily on an idiot. Though, she did still gain significant support among women, who don’t know any better.
Oprah – It wasn’t bad enough that she attached herself to Barack Obama, causing millions to reconsider their support of him in the process. She had to go further and make a guest appearance on 30 Rock. We can only hope she didn’t infect Tina Fey with Self-Righteous-Unentertaining-Bitch Disease.
Inconsiderate assholes in the office who don’t make a new pot of coffee when they drink the last cup. Hey, jerk-offs, you’ve got an extra minute and a half to fill a pot with water and dump some coffee grounds into a filter. I’m getting closer and closer to stabbing you in the neck with my pen.
“Fun-Size” candy. There’s nothing fun about building a giant pile of silver wrappers just to get one normal sized 3 Musketeers bar.
Cities that don’t have a Popeye’s Chicken. (specifically, the one I live in) KFC is fine if you just want something fried and artery-clogging. But if you’re in the mood to eat “Crispy Happiness in Chicken Form,” nothing but Popeye’s will do.
Chocolate Skittles – Skittles and Chocolate should not coexist. Skittles exist specifically to be a candy alternative to chocolate. This is a combination that simply flies in the face of reason. And then fucks it in the ass. What’s next? Hybrid SUV’s? Gin-free tonic? (see, those things seem like ridiculous ideas when they’re put into proper context, don’t they?)
Nearly every single person in front of me while I’m driving, especially the assholes that like to drive in the left lane at the EXACT SAME SPEED as the person in the right lane. Hey, fucktard, the reason there are two fucking lanes is to reduce congestion and allow drivers to pass other cars. If you insist on driving like an inconsiderate prick instead of like a person, you’re at risk of being stabbed through the spleen with a samurai sword.
Abunza - is there anyone who looks at that page, sees the pictures of those two assholes and thinks, “Yeah, I’m definitely going to get rich following the advice of those guys!” Those guys look like the typical date rapists who can be found in fraternity houses on every college campus in America. By the way, if you’re trying to figure out what the hell they’re selling, it’s a pyramid scheme. That doesn’t sell anything. Instead, they offer the BILINGUAL opportunity for you to be an affiliate marketer, and likely spend thousands of dollars without earning shit. Affiliate marketing is a competitive and complex field, and two dickheads who can’t manage coherent sentences on their “business” website can’t teach you how to do it well.
Lists with only 10 items. What’s the matter, lazy assholes, can’t think of one more?

So, maybe you've heard...

2008-11-04T22:45:00.004-06:00

A new President has been elected, and his name is Barack Obama.
This is the first time (in 3 attempts) that I've voted for a winner.

The election of Barack Obama is not going to solve all of the problems that exist in this country. The election of Barack Obama is not going to immediately fix the economic problems that we have. The election of Barack Obama is not going to immediately fix the social problems that we have. And the election of Barack Obama is not going to immediately fix the international reputation of this country.

But it's a start, and it is a very strong indication that we no longer want to be an international bully, a country ruled only by the rich, or a country that suppresses contrary or controversial views as a matter of policy.

And I believe that's a good thing...*

*The abnormal occurence of optimism and the blatant lack of hostility displayed in this message will be replaced by my normal moodiness and intolerance of asshole-ishness in all future posts.
I'm going to go watch my DVD's of The West Wing, a.k.a. the greatest prime time dramatic television series ever produced in this country, now.

Elitism: What's the Problem?

2008-10-29T15:06:00.004-05:00

Since we're less than a week away from election day, I'm going to take a few minutes to discuss one of the McCain/Palin campaign's key "criticism's" of Barack Obama.

What they're saying: Barack Obama is an elitist
What they want you to believe: Barack Obama thinks he's better than YOU, American Voter. Because of that, he's clearly an asshole who does not deserve your vote.

Well, guess what...Barack Obama IS better than you. He graduated from Columbia University and then Harvard Law school. Then he spent a decade working as a civil rights lawyer before being elected to the United States Senate. He's more intelligent and more successful than anyone you know.
And somebody apparently thinks those things are upsetting to normal, non-Senators. After watching George Bush get elected twice (kind of) on a campaign of "hey, don't you hate it when smart people say stuff you don't understand? does science confuse you and make your head hurt? Me, too! I'm just like you, and don't you want someone like you to be President?", the republican party is convinced that most "normal" people hate smart people and would rather vote for someone they can relate to than for someone who might be good at the job. The fact that it worked twice is directly responsible for the decision to put a pretty idiot on the ticket with a crazy old man.

So, back to the point. What the hell is wrong with wanting someone smarter than you to be in charge? Would you really prefer to vote for someone "just like you?" Are you qualified to be President? No, you're not. Barack Obama IS better than you...and that's a GOOD thing.

Main Street Americans...

2008-10-02T21:46:00.004-05:00

Congratulations! If you don't live in or near a major city, you're among the most important people in the country!

After months of Presidential campaign speeches and commercials, and after watching tonight's Vice-Presidential Debate, I'm finally convinced that everyone who works on or near Wall Street, or anywhere near a major metropolitan area, is a complete asshole. Fortunately for me, I live in a small town about an hour from a large metropolitan area (Chicago), so I'm relevant to the 2008 election. So I've got that going for me, which is nice.

Despite my nearly over-whelming urge to rant about the absurdity of ridiculous names for non-existent groups of people (i.e., Soccer Mom, NASCAR Dad, etc.), I'm going to ignore that for now.
Instead, I'll focus on this question:
Is the leadership of the Republican Party completely comprised of retards?
Sarah Palin? Really?
Look, anytime the actual candidate comes across as less competent than the Tina Fey impression of the candidate, that's a bad sign. (for purposes of full disclosure, I love Tina Fey. On my list of SNL Alums I want to come over without pants, she's near the top) It also dcesn't help if that candidate believes dinosaurs and people lived in the same neighborhood.
I was told by reputable sources (including my wife and the objective observers from Fox News) that Governor Palin greatly exceeded expectations in tonight's debate. After watching for an hour and a half without hearing a single question answered, I can only assume that everyone else expected her to pass out in a puddle of urine after every question.

I could go on and on with comical (at least to me) hostility about the motivation behind a McCain-Palin ticket, but my hostility and incredulousness is balanced by the belief that everyone else is aware of the absurdity of that idea. I'm working under the assumption that everyone, including republicans, is aware that Barack Obama is going to be the next President of the United States. It's really going to suck if, on November 5th, I have to concede that the battle for the future of America has been won by retards.

P.S. in the interest of corporate whoring (which is endorsed and practiced by the candidates of both political parties), tonight's muted rant has been brought to you by a half a bottle of New Amsterdam Gin. Since I work in marketing, here's a potential ad for any New Amsterdam execs that might eventually read this:
New Amsterdam
For the Man Who Likes Gin, but is grossly underpaid and can't afford to regularly drink Sapphire or Tanqueray 10.

Maybe it needs a little work, but it's certainly convinced me to spend $15 for another bottle.

PWC? No, FYR!*

2008-09-16T13:00:00.005-05:00

It's not necessary to turn every multi-word phrase into a fucking acronym.
I'm getting increasingly annoyed by insurance commercials using the acronym "PWC". "PWC" means two things: 1. Personal Water Craft. 2. You're a retard.
Have you ever heard anyone refer to a waverunner or jet-ski as a Personal Water Craft?
If a friend ever starts talking to me about the new PWC he bought, that's how I know that he's an idiot and I should stop hanging out with him. Also, he probably needs to be punched in the throat.

Aside from that, I suppose I should mention why I haven't written anything in a few weeks.
The short answer is that I've been in a good mood.
There have been indications that my bosses are aware that I'm grossly underpaid and are planning to remedy that in the near future. Soon, I may be only moderately underpaid. So, I've got that going for me, which is nice. I've also been picked to be part of a potentially very large project.
The reason why that's significant in this explanation (i.e., why i haven't written lately), is that I'm more inclined to write when I'm annoyed and need to rant about something. And I'm funnier when I'm pissed off. For the sake of my faithful reader, I'll try to limit the number of good days I have in the future.
And sometime soon, i'll spend a little time discussing the presidential campaigns of Senators Obama and McCain.

*If I have to tell you that "FYR" stands for "Fuck You, Retard," then you haven't been paying attention to anything else I've written.

It's okay to be an asshole...look, it's right here in the Bible...

2008-08-31T13:28:00.007-05:00

I get EXTREMELY pissed off by people who use the Bible to support their arguments.
"God hates gay people. It's in the bible!"
"You're going to hell for getting an abortion! It's in the bible!"
"Evolution is a lie! God made me like this in his image. It's in the bible!"

Hey, guess what? You're a retard! It's true, it's in the bible. (because I wrote it in big red letters on the inside of your bible, bitch)
There are a lot of problems with the "bible-logic." One significant one is that most christian religions, and religious scholars, disagree in their interpretations of it anyway, so what are the odds that a couple jack-asses hanging out with picket signs at an abortion clinic are getting it right?
Even more important than interpreting it correctly though, is the fact that it's a FUCKING BOOK, written by PEOPLE. It's a story. That's all.
Using it to prove every retarded, "everybody that's not like me is a sinner" opinion you have is about as rational as using the Curious George books to guide your life. Frankly, most people would be better off using Curious George. The worst idea you can take away from that is that monkeys want to be friends with you. They probably don't, and they may have diseases, so be careful.
Unless, of course, you're the type of person who likes to protest and point out the evils of things like gay marriage or the dangers of teaching evolution. If that's the case, please disregard the risk of disease or attack, just go right ahead and hug every monkey you see. Strange dogs, too. And bears. Just hug away, they're all just waiting for you to share Jesus's (non-gay) love with them.

Everybody done with their irrational patriotism? Good...

2008-08-31T12:55:00.005-05:00

Now that we've all had a week to come down from the wondrous and spectacular high of the Olympics, it's time to point out something important...
The Olympics Fucking Suck.
I have a great deal of respect for most of the athletes involved and for the dedication and effort that was required for them to get there. With that said, I don't care.
I don't care about 9 year old chinese gymnasts. I have no interest at all in spoiled little girls riding horses while they jump over ditches. I don't give a fuck about swimming. I don't want to hear any more shit about Michael Phelps being a great american hero for winning 8 gold medals. He's not an american hero, he's a guy who really likes to swim, and he managed to swim faster than 7 other guys on 8 occasions in a 2 week period. Hey, good job! Can we have a couple more close-up shots of your mom sobbing in the stands after you win? That's awesome! Now go away. We don't care about swimming, we only pretend to care once every 4 years so we can show our "patriotism" by rooting for a bunch of people we don't know, competing in "sports" we don't care about, just because they pay taxes to the same functionally retarded government that we do.
Do people really get a sense of national pride from watching an american throw a javelin farther than a german guy can throw it? If so, what the fuck is wrong with those people? And why are we letting them vote? Or interact with other people?

Just as important as my irritation about the instant hero worship with medal winners is my confusion over the TV schedule of the games. Before Phelps (who, incidentally, was widely considered an irresponsible asshole just a few months ago for getting a DUI) went on his gold spree, the most significant story of the olympics was the US Basketball team and whether or not they could recover from the ass-kicking's they've taken in international competition the past few years. So, instead of broadcasting the games at a time when people could actually, you know, watch them, they were all played between midnight and 9:00 am, when most people are either sleeping or at work. However, from 5-11:00 every night, there was as much swimming, gymnastics, horses and fucking mountain-biking as any retarded 13 year old girl could ever want. Who's the asshole that decided that the only sport in the games that already had a worldwide audience should only be played when 85% of its viewers can't fucking watch it? (I'm ignoring soccer because, despite my best efforts, I can't figure out why the hell anyone thinks it's entertaining. I'm considering that an x-files worthy mystery that may never be solved).

So, to recap: The Olympics suck ass, for many reasons, and the most significant reason is that I like basketball, but couldn't watch any of it live because NBC and China suck ass.

I Need to Vent a Bit....

2008-08-20T12:14:00.003-05:00

When I say "vent," I don't mean it in the way the obnoxious shit-bags in the Coors Light commercials mean it. I want to bash those guys in the face with a 6-iron. Why a 6-iron you ask? Because I have a tendency to over-swing, which hurts my accuracy with my long irons, but a 9-iron or pitching wedge just wouldn't provide the power I'm looking for. A 6-iron seems like the optimal combination of power and precision for brutally beating the irritating assholes who are making me seriously question the intelligence and common sense of the marketing department at Coors. Did anyone there watch those commercials before approving them? Didn't anyone stop to consider the effects of a national ad campaign that focuses on the interactions of people only a retard wouldn't want to stab in the eye with a fork?

Anyway, I've been extremely irritable lately for several reasons, mostly work-related.
First, it's come to my attention over the past week or so that during the last 2 and a half years in my current job, virtually every person who has been hired is making more than me. When I started, I was told there would be a quarterly bonus plan, performance-based raises, etc. This has not happened. At my one year review, I was told "we're extremely impressed by your performance, and we'd love to give you a raise, but we're under a company-wide salary freeze right now." That's code for "you seem to like working here & you don't ever bitch about being grossly underpaid, so why don't you just keep it up and we'll keep completely ignoring you."
Since then, I've taken on about 400% more work (no, that's not an exaggeration) and I'm still getting the same entry-level salary I was hired at. I've asked my boss about this several times, and he's assured me that someone is going to address "compensation issues," though there's been no indication that anyone other than me is concerned about getting this done any time soon.
So, this leads to the next problem. If these fuckin' jerk-offs aren't going to acknowledge that my efforts have been responsible for several millions of dollars in revenue for the company and maybe I deserve a salary higher than the kids in Korea sewing soccer balls, I'm going to have to start looking for a new job. I HATE looking for a new job.

Maybe I'll call Coors to see if they're hiring. They can clearly be helped by the opinion of someone who ISN'T a retarded asshole.

Meetings with Retards about Retarded Crap

2008-08-14T11:57:00.005-05:00

First, a quick note: I use the word "retard." A lot. I generally do not use it to indicate the mentally handicapped, but instead I use it to refer to people who are, or are exhibiting the behavior of, idiots or inconsiderate assholes.
If this term offends you because you or someone you know are mentally handicapped, you work with the handicapped, or you're just a hyper-sensitive bitch who feels compelled to be politically correct at all times, you should probably stop reading now.

I had to go to work early this morning for a breakfast meeting. Like many of the accepted practices at my company, breakfast meetings started off as a good and simple idea that spiraled into something useless and unnecessary. The original intent was that it was a once a week meeting that included all the company executives and department managers/directors with the goal of improving internal communication and keeping people aware of what other departments were doing, and letting people know how they'd be affected by each other. Seems reasonable and logical, right? That was a couple months ago. Now they've morphed into events "hosted" by a different department each week, where few, if any, of the department heads show up and instead various people ramble on about what they're doing today or a conference or client meeting they had last week. This is a complete waste of my time. I did not ask a single question, nor was I asked any, and my department was not discussed at all. I did bring donuts, though, so clearly I was an integral part of the meeting.
And I got to spend 15 minutes listening to a sales asshole argue with an operations asshole about whether a particular advertising strategy would work for some of our clients.
Even more compelling was the discussion by the HR manager about ways to improve the office environment and make it a better place to work. One of her brilliant ideas was that she would have "thank you" cards printed, and when a person helps someone out with something, like a project he wouldn't normally work on or something simple like moving a bookshelf, that person would get a Thank You card! And we can put them up on bulletin boards or on the walls in our department so we'll feel more appreciated! Awesome!
Hey, retarded bitch, I'm not a 17 year old girl. You want me to feel more appreciated? How about you acknowledge my efforts and the fact that I've been extremely good at my job for over two years by...oh, I don't know...maybe giving me a fucking raise? And then maybe I can go back to my desk so I can do my job instead of listening to your retard plans for building sorority unity.

For now, an intra-office stabbing spree has been averted. There better be donuts left when I get back to the office...

The NBA draft

2008-08-13T23:24:00.001-05:00

The following is a brief, not at all exhaustive, analysis of the 2008 NBA draft.
This is a copy of an email I sent the day after the draft. I was cleaning out some of my old email today and I found it, and I found it mildly amusing, so I decided to post it.
If you're not a basketball fan, or at least a sports fan, you probably won't care. If you are, enjoy:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Since I know you're all anxiously awaiting them, I'll share my thoughts on the draft, as well as some of the other transactions made around the league yesterday.

1. Memphis seems to be actively trying to suck. When they picked Kevin Love, it was a good pick. They already have a excellent young scorer and all-around developing star (Rudy Gay), the best perimeter shooter in the NBA (Mike Miller, though I suppose you can argue that he's #2, depending on how you feel about Mike Redd), and a quality young PG with the talent to become very good over the next couple years (Mike Conley). They didn't need to try to add a superstar, just a good big guy who can play with that group. Love can be an above average power forward who will rebound and play solid defense, and he's a good passer and can effectively find their scorers in traffic and in transition. It was an oddly logical pick.
Then, apparently, Chris Wallace (Memphis's GM, and the former GM of the Celtics who was largely responsible for their suckitude throughout the 90's & early 00's) decided, "you know what? fuck that. Love is a great fit for this team, but we just can't put him on the same team with Rudy Gay. The "Gay-Love" jokes would never end, and i would be humiliated by the giggling of the 28 fans who show up at our games every night. I'm getting rid of Love for OJ Mayo. Never mind that Mayo doesn't address a need or that he might conflict with our other star who's much better than him (Gay), Jay Bilas thinks he's going to be really good. I'm going to throw Mike Miller in the deal, too. His constant scoring and excellent 3 point shooting is making the other guys on the team look bad. If only I could also get a whiny, out of shape team-chemistry killer and a horribly slow eastern european guy who can't guard anyone & has never seen a wide open jumper he couldn't brick, it would be perfect. What's that? I can have Antoine Walker and Marko Jaric, too? Awesome! I'm in!"

2. The Nets gave away Richard Jefferson for Yi Jianlan, who sucks chinese buffalo cock, and Bobby Simmons, who is only allowed off the injured list for 25 minutes per season. They also drafted Brook Lopez, who is a big pussy from Stanford who would be glued to the bench for a good team, but will play 30 minutes a night for the Nets next season. They also picked up Ryan Anderson. And that's probably the last time anyone will ever mention Ryan Anderson when discussing the NBA.
I'd feel much better about the Nets if they just came right out and said "Look, every single thing we do between now and 2010 is done with the intent of making sure we have enough money to sign Lebron and have a little bit of talent for him to work with when he gets here. We're going to suck. A lot. But just remember, Lebron is coming here in 2 years. If you want to completely ignore us until then, that's cool. We'll see you in 2010."

3. The Suns have fully committed to wasting Steve Nash's last few years in the NBA. Instead of adding another athletic scorer or quality big guy to help the slow, broken down fat center formerly known as Shaq, they drafted Sideshow Bob. On the plus side, hilarity will ensue when he tries to kill Bart Simpson again. So they've got that going for them, which is nice.

4. The Pacers still suck, and they gave away their best player for a scrub and an injury prone point. They also put everyone in Indianapolis in danger by trading for 2 PG's (TJ Ford from Toronto & Jarrett Jack from Portland). I hope no one I know was out while Jamal Tinsley was driving around in a drunken rage shooting at people.

5. The Bulls. I like Rose. He's going to be a bad-ass, and he's going to be fun to watch. They missed on their 2nd pick. Twice. First, Sonny fucking Weems? Sonny Weems sucks. And then they traded him for a european "prospect" who has a 93% probability of being awful. Also, I was reminded that they fucked themselves a couple years ago when they gave away Lamarcus Aldridge for Tyrus Thomas and Victor Khryapa. That was awful. Still, once they trade Larry Hughes, or have him kidnapped, or framed for murder, or whatever they have to do to get him out of the lineup, I'm cautiously optimistic about the Bulls next season. Gordon should still be the 6th man, and if they can't deal Hinrich, they should seriously consider moving him to the 2 spot. He's got a decent shot and is an above average defender, but has shown that he absolutely should not be the guy running the offense because he makes awful decisions and wants to spend 18 seconds standing at the top of the key dribbling every possession. He might be effective running off screens and spotting up for 3's when Rose is slicing to the basket. Or he might suck and whine. Whatever. As long as he's no longer the Bulls' starting PG, I'm happy.

6. There are a lot of guys with big scores on the Bust-O-Meter. I'm not sure I can call Michael Beasley a bust, because he can probably be a decent pro. But I don't think he's going to be great, and he's going to be completely dominated by decent offensive forwards. DJ Augustin is going to be out of the league within 5 years. Jason Thompson, Mareese Speights, the Lopez sisters... I hope they invest wisely with their guaranteed rookie contracts, because they aren't getting much beyond that.

7. Can we have an intervention for Michael Jordan? We need to stop letting him get drunk and make draft picks. DJ Augustine is crap. Alexis Ajinca is crap who learned the basic rules of basketball about 3 weeks ago and won't ever be part of a regular NBA rotation. Those turds join MJ's former draft gems like Adam Morrison, who's suckiness is rivaled only by his pussy-ness and his retard mustache, and Kwame Brown, who sucks more ass than Shaq trying to rap.
There's going to be a whole generation of basketball fans who never saw Jordan play and only know him as the horrible front-office guy who fucked the Wizards and the Bobcats.

Hello. So, do you come here often?

2008-08-13T22:25:00.002-05:00

This is the first of what might or might not be many posts.
As such, I'll briefly introduce myself and my tentative plans for the future of this blog.

I will go by several aliases which include, but are not limited to, "Max Power" (because that's one of my favorite Simpsons episodes), "Slightly Hostile" (because I am) and "Reggie Miller is a Bitch" (because he is). The reasons for aliases are none of your damn business, but I'll discuss them anyway. First, it's possible that random crazy people may eventually read this and want to stalk me, and I'd like to limit personal information that may make it easier for them to do so. Second, there might (read: will) be a bit of venting about work, which is best left vague so that I cannot be punished for it by hypersensitive employers. Third, since I'm not yet 30 years old, it's likely that my current employer will not be my last, so it's best if future beneficiaries do not find a reason to rule me out before deciding to bump my salary into the 6-figure range. Finally, there's a pretty good chance that I'm going to say things that offend and upset many people, which also relates to reasons 1 through 3.

So, now that I've gotten some of the vague background issues out of the way, I'll tell you a bit about me and about what I'll likely be discussing in the future.
I am a marketing professional who enjoys my job and most of the things it entails, but I find many of the "office" issues a bit irritating. This will be a place for me to vent about such issues, which will help reduce the chances that I go on an office stabbing spree.
On rare occasions (read: constantly) I will use appropriate amounts of profanity. It will not be excessive, but will be the exact amount of cussing necessary to effectively get my point across. If that's upsetting, go fuck yourself.
I. Embrace. Sarcasm. This is important to remember. There will be many instances in which I will say something that seems reprehensible, but which is meant entirely in jest or to show how ridiculously stupid it is.
I WILL discuss politics, religion & random social issues. In many instances, I will mock those issues and/or different perspectives on those issues. You've been warned.
I will also discuss sports. A lot. I enjoy sports, and I enjoy fantasy sports, which will also be discussed on occasion. I grew up in the Chicago-land/Northwest Indiana area and have grown somewhat fond of Chicago's sports teams. However, I am a sports fan first and a Chicago fan second, so I don't want to hear shit about it when I tell you that the Bears suck or that the Cubs 5th starter (jason marquis sucks) needs to be seriously upgraded before I feel good about their chances heading into the playoffs. Also, I like hats and jerseys. I own a Cardinals hat, Vikings (Randy Moss), Lions (Barry Sanders) & Packers (Ahman Green) jerseys, and several other hats/jerseys from other division or conference rivals of the Chicago teams. I learned long ago that my choice in apparel and accessories does not have any effect on the outcome of professional sporting events, so I don't want to hear any shit about that either. I like my Tigers hat & you can suck my balls if that upsets your sense of "fan loyalty."
The tone of this blog will often be hostile. This is because, as I previously mentioned, this will largely be a place for me to vent. 97% of the time in my daily life, I am extremely calm, happy and easy to get along with. Several friends and co-workers even refer to me as their "spiritual leader" because of my ability to deal with and be unaffected by minor inconveniences and trivial issues. Those characteristics might not be on display here. There's no way to know for sure.
Finally, some non-specific personal details: I am a graduate of a well-respected business school and have done nearly nothing related to the degree I earned; I am married; I have no children, but 2 cats, 1 of which is obnoxious and the other is an asshole.

This concludes my introductory post.